Once upon a time, extended families had meetings. I mean physical meetings where people travelled from different destinations and met at an agreed venue which is usually a family member's house. They were always dramatic, but we attended anyway! These days, all that has moved to WhatsApp. The family compound has become a green app. The village square is now a group chat. Yet somewhere between "Good morning family" and "Who said that about me?" the extended family WhatsApp group has quietly become Premium Wahala Headquarters.
The "Badmus One Love Extended Family" WhatsApp group began innocently. Uncle Debo decided the family must be very united and keep in touch after grandpa's funeral. He immediately created the group and before we knew it, forty-seven relatives over three generations were added.
Initially, pictures were shared, warm greetings were exchanged until Aunty Tola decided that 4 a.m. was okay for everyone to wake up to her messages. Before some people have even opened their eyes, she has already posted a giant "GOOD MORNING FAMILY" graphic containing roses, sunrise, two doves, a Bible, a waterfall, a cup of coffee, and enough glitter to illuminate the eyes. Then the replies came in: "Amen." "Amen ma." "Good morning everyone." "Same to you." "Powerful." "I receive it."
By 5 a.m., you have 42 unread messages. Absolutely nothing has happened, just Aunty Tola saying good morning. As if that was not enough, Uncle Ebeneezer discovered messages could be forwarded and he became the family broadcaster. He shared everything from political rumors, prophecies, herbal remedies, to anything and everything. Between him and Aunty Tola, they kept the rhythm going.
Then there is the family intelligence department, run by Mrs. Carew — nobody remembers how she was related to the family, but she was there anyway. Her posts were random and inquisitive: "Has anybody heard from Bisi?" Someone saved as Aunty Canada replied, "Why are you asking?" Immediately Uncle Debo lectured the group on the importance of the extended family and proceeded to add about 20 more family members to the group. Then someone responded that Bisi had travelled — his number was not saved so we really don't know who he is, but he had the information. Suddenly, Bisi typed, "I am fine." So, she was there all along silently reading all the messages. Quickly Mrs. Carew assured her she was only concerned and showing family love.
That phrase — family love — became very useful in the group. It covered concern, questioning, probing, investigating, and sometimes outright monitoring. Then the group went quiet for about 30 minutes until another person, saved as Cousin Tolu, announced there would be a family meeting the following month, stating the time and venue. Swiftly, Uncle Debo adjusted the settings to "only admins can send messages" and proceeded to lecture Cousin Tolu on family ethics and protocol, the importance of respecting the chain of command, and how flouting the rules could result in temporary blocking. After some moments of peace and quiet, he adjusted the settings again. Then Aunty Germany posted a voice note: nine minutes, forty-six seconds.
Nobody wanted to play it. But everybody did. For the first three minutes, she greeted the family. For the next two, she explained that family unity was important. At minute six, she started crying. At minute eight, she said, "Anyway, what I really wanted to say is that I won't be available for the meeting." Nine minutes and forty-six seconds. To say she would not attend!
The family prayer warrior, Aunty Banke, filled the group with emojis and prayer. "Every power assigned to scatter this family, die by fire! Every spirit of division, be destroyed! Every household enemy—" which were immediately followed by more emojis and about 50 "Amen!"
By this time, I was exhausted but decided not to type what was on my mind since I still wanted to remain in the extended family. Bisi, however, muted the group for one year. She had clearly had enough.
Just as we were all going to heave a sigh of relief and get on with our day, Uncle Debo posted: "Since we are meeting at Uncle Dayo's for the family meeting next month, what are we doing about food and drink?" Then they all jumped in with different suggestions, complaints, and arguments. Different suggestions and cost analysis were sent through. Cousin Tolu eventually broke the table when he replied, "Why should we waste money when there are women in the family?" For a brief moment there was silence. Then the women entered the chat.
That statement alone generated enough messages for another meeting.
I thought about Bisi. Let's just say she was no longer alone.
